Introverted: Small Talk is the Worst

Scenes from the life of a high-functioning introvert.

Can we talk about small talk?

Specifically, how useless it is, and how most introverts find it anxiety-producing and will do anything to avoid it? Can we just admit that small talk is horrible?

As you may have noticed, cyberspace is filled with a plethora of pithy introvert memes—my personal favorite features Elvira and you can see it above. While some of them exaggerate the truth—we only hate people who suck, geez—the core message is usually on point: introverts have no tolerance for your bullshit.

Small talk just feels fake to us. Inane pleasantries about the weather or car troubles feel like a total waste of our time. Sure, we do it too, sometimes, but that's mostly because society expects it out everyone, and sometimes we're just too tired to fight it.

In my experience as an introvert over the years, I know, usually within an instant, if I've connected with someone or not. I've experienced that near-immediate moment of connection in all of the best relationships in my life. With these friends, I've been instantaneously comfortable in their presence and want to talk with them, about anything. We're in total sync. We can disagree on things, that's different, but we respect each other and the conversation just flows effortlessly, like wine at an Italian family dinner.

When the opposite occurs—no spark, just awkward fumbling for something to say—I try to extricate myself from the conversation as fast as possible. I'll nod a lot, maybe break into nervous laughter, too, even though I don't find them or what they've saying the least bit funny. I'm even telling myself, in the moment, "I have nothing to say to this person—remember not to engage next time."

If all of this sounds harsh, or snobbish, it's not, honest. It's just that introverts believe that life is best spent finding your true soulmates, and making deep connections with them. It needn't be many, just a few, close friends . You each just get each other. It's a joy to spend time with them, and you're never at a loss for words when you're together. When you're with someone you don't click with, though, it's just painful. You're checking the clock, looking for a polite way out, a back door you can slip through ASAP.

Small talk, then, mostly occurs between people who have very little or no connection whatsoever. To an introvert, this just a waste of breath. In situations like this, we're more content to just sit in silence until we run into someone we spark with. The problem is, the non-introverts of the world, want to suck up all the oxygen, all the time. We play along occasionally, but mostly we learn to practice avoidance. We bide our time, waiting patiently for one a like-minded soul to come along, and for the sparks to fly. Then, in that moment, we feel free to simply be ourselves.

If you're an introvert, chances are you know the feeling. On those wonderful, oftentimes rare occasions when it happens, it's absolutely glorious. You feel truly alive, recharged to face the daily battlefield that can be life.

These are the moments introverts live for. They certainly make all the small talk we suffer through on a daily basis a little easier to bear.

Just a little.

Comments

Paul SMarch 14, 2018 at 5:40 AM
I know the feeling. I think Mia Wallace nailed it in Pulp Fiction when she talked about "comfortable silences." They're rare but so wonderful when you can enjoy one.
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