Words Seem Out Of Place

Deck the halls and spike the eggnog, because it's time for another seasonal installment of All I Want for Christmas. I had high hopes to crank out a couple of them this year but we're nearing the finish line of the December holiday spring, so this might be it. My desire to do entries on Christmas movie favorites like  Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005) and Black Christmas (1974) will have to wait 'til next year. This annual tradition began in 2017, when I asked Santa to deliver me the ridiculously awesome Joan Collins for Christmas . Then in 2018 came the eternal request for less elf on the shelf and more Elvira under the tree. Now those legendary ghosts of All I Want for Christmas blog posts past are joined by the equally legendary Elizabeth Montgomery, filling in for Santa while wearing far less clothing than the big guy. I don't even care about the gifts; she can leave them on the roof, as long as she wears Mrs. Claus's younger sister's saucy yuletide ge...

As everyone knows, jump scares and subversive fun make Christmas infinitely better. Watching movies like Black Christmas , Krampus , and Christmas Evil this time of year is a favorite custom of misanthropic scrooges everywhere. Hey, I like Christmas just fine, but I like it even more when you ratchet up the body count. Calm down, I mean  fictional body count, yeesh! "I saw Mommy being naughty with Santa Claus " : In  Christmas Evil , Santa skips the cookies and milk but still eats out, if you know what I mean. And yes, I just channeled my inner R-rated Joe Bob Briggs commentary with this caption. #sorrynotsorry So, in the spirit of Our Lady and Savior Cassandra Peterson, AKA Elvira Mistress of the Dark , I'm wishing you a very scary Christmas season. Here's where I could make the obvious joke about unwrapping Elvira for Christmas, but nope, I'm keeping it classy. There probably won't be any new content here over the next week o...

Joe Dante's 1980s classic Gremlins will always be a subversive Christmas favorite. From Spike exploding in the microwave to Mrs. Daigle's "stairlift to hell", the movie is packed with deliciously transgressive moments that turn the holly jolly season right on its ear. None are more memorable, though, than Phoebe Cates delivering her legendary "worst thing that ever happened to me on Christmas" monologue. It's a jaw-dropping, tour-de-force moment, a truly horrific story that's also one of the most darkly comic moments in Christmas movie history. Cates really shines during this scene. There's no denying just how seminal that scene of hers in Fast Times at Ridgemont High was for a generation of young people, but her speech in Gremlins is equally important and a wonderful showcase for her serious and comedic acting skills.  Here's the speech, in its entirety. No Christmas season is complete without at least one viewing ...

Subversive Christmas films are the best kind of Christmas films. I appreciate when films offer commentary and insight on the season's often-nauseating cheer and crass commercialism, revealing the darker side of it all, the stuff most of us want to ignore this time of year. So in the spirit of the season, here's my top five Christmas films, each of which resides a little left of center. And it should surprise absolutely no one that my top yuletide season flick stars—drum roll, please— Michelle Pfeiffer . As always, this list is subject to change slightly, annually. Please, share your lists below, and we can argue about movies as if we were drunk relatives at the Christmas table screaming about politics. Hey, can you pass the eggnog? 1. Batman Returns (1992) Michelle Pfeiffer. ‘nuff said, but I’ll say more. As Selina Kyle/Catwoman, she has the film’s most complete character arc , a personal growth journey that begins with Selina as a meek, put-upon, frightened l...

Tales from the Crypt (1972) is a delightful little horror anthology, the sort of film that was quite popular in the 1970s but isn't made nearly as often today. Each segment, based on the old EC Comics series, is true to the original's spirit, capturing that magnificently English sense of the macabre to perfection. For me though, one segment stands out above the rest, the first one, "...And All Through the House". Out of all the segments in the film, this one makes best use of its short running time, small cast, and limited setting—all of the action takes place in one house on Christmas Eve. Yet even more than it being the epitome of the perfect short horror story—an art form unto itself, and one that few have ever mastered—it also features one of the most fabulous actresses to ever sashay across the screen: Joan Collins. Every holiday season, I'm fascinated with images like the one above, which juxtapose the merry trappings of the season with powerful,...