(Not So) Deep Thoughts of the Pop Cultural Persuasion, Part 4

Kirstie Alley, bringing you the latest in portable computer technology, circa 1984!

I recently revisited the Tom Selleck sci-fi flick Runaway (1984), written and directed by mega-selling author Michael Crichton, thanks to it being available now on Amazon Prime Video. This is one of those movies I recall enjoying on basic cable as a kid, but even then I knew that it was kind of a dud. Good news, it's still a dud! Yet the highlights still make it weirdly watchable.

The cast is so stereotypical mid-'80s it hurts. Besides Magnum, P.I. himself, you've got peak 1984 big haired business suit and shiny black pantyhose wearing Kirstie Alley, just a few years before she hit the big time as Rebecca Howe on Cheers.

Then there's Cynthia Rhodes playing Selleck's cop partner, who spends the entire film in skirts and sky-high heels—both in and out of uniform. It's actually an impressive performance, as she's called on to run and jump and climb in this completely inappropriate police attire, and she does it with ease. And it doesn't hurt that you could cut glass on her cheekbones.

Although this was a modestly budgeted feature starring a then-red hot star (Selleck), it didn't shy away from B-movie cheese. Look no further than the scene with the full-body scan of Alley's character, in which she is forced to remove one item of clothing after another as she sets off the metal detector (except those black hose and high heels, of course).

It's completely gratuitous, redeemed only by the fact that it now stands as an eternal monument to Kirstie Alley's stone-cold foxiness in the 1980s.

Every time Gene Simmons oozes on screen—rarely has someone been better suited to play a slimeball than Simmons—he certainly brings along plenty of cheese. His perpetually creepy facial expression is both impressive and hilarious. I can't call what he does here acting, it's really just staring. The killer robots in the film are also cheese-tastic. They're laughably unscary, probably because they look like they were pieced together with old typewriter parts and hypodermic needles.

Is Runaway worth your time? That depends on how much you prize Tom Selleck's mustache and furrowed brow, Cynthia Rhodes' toned gams and chiseled cheekbones, Kirstie Alley's bedroom eyes and chain-smoking swagger, and/or Gene Simmons's insane, wild-eyed glare. For me, that all helps make an otherwise forgettable sci-fi thriller at least marginally fun.

Happy birthday to Tiffani (Amber) Thiessen. She'll be forever known as Saved by the Bell's Kelly Kapowski, and is seen below coming to the realization that she needs to fire her agent for encouraging her to appear in that stinker SNL movie, The Ladies Man.

People forget, but she was the best thing about Beverly Hills 90210 during the post-Brenda years when the rest of the show went stale and lifeless. As Valerie, she was always interesting, at least, and the main reason I continued to check in with the series on occasion.

Time for a friendly reminder: Fifteen years later, Kate Beckinsale still slays in Van Helsing. That is all.

Current mood:

Mood I aspire to:

One time I watched Gentlemen Prefer Blondes and Hellraiser in the same day, and I only tell you this to emphasize that I do indeed contain multitudes.

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