My Favorite Death Dealer: Kate Beckinsale

"I dropped out of Oxford, and now I only speak Russian with the woman who gives me a bikini-wax. See what Hollywood does to you?"

"Apparently, I'm very good at firing a gun without blinking, which is unusual. That's why so many action characters have to wear sunglasses during shoot-out scenes. That's my party trick."

"Someone once said that you can make the choice between getting old and getting creepy, and I think getting old is the way to go."

*****

Before I begin, here's a haiku that took me at least ten seconds to write:

Ah, Kate Beckinsale.

We'd gladly live with you,

in your Underworld

Yeah, so, I'm a fan.

I've always been a fan of Kate Beckinsale, especially as the vampire Death Dealer Selene in the action/horror franchise Underworld (five films and counting now) and as a young upwardly mobile publishing professional in Whit Stillman's masterpiece of early 1980s ennui The Last Days of Disco, a film that hardly ever gets mentioned anymore but was one of the best of 1998. Browsing her IMDb page recently, however, revealed that I've missed quite a few of her other films in recent years. Still, she's always a welcome presence onscreen, or in magazine articles, or when popping up in my social media feeds.

Recently, her "scandalous" relationship with the much younger Pete Davidson was all the rage online, with one headline hilariously declaring, "Pete Davidson Now Dating Cougar Kate Beckinsale." Apparently Beckinsale has reached the cougar stage of her celebrity life cycle. Knowing what I know about her personality, based on interviews and her thoroughly entertaining Instagram presence, I'm sure she's gotten a chuckle out of that.

Since breaking into movies in 1993 in Kenneth Branagh's star-studded Much Ado About Nothing, the stunningly gorgeous actress has often been referred to as one of cinema's great beauties, and at times even declared the most beautiful actress working today. This sort of surface view of Beckinsale and other pretty women is nothing new (See also: Michelle Pfeiffer). She's more than a pretty face, though, more than just one of the world's most desired bodies—although she is certainly both those things. I mean, let's be real. Her beauty is objective, an absolute scientific fact. As evidence I submit Esquire's 2009 "Sexiest Woman Alive" piece.

First and foremost she's a working actor and producer who has carved out a long and prosperous career. From Brokedown Palace to Serendipity, from Laurel Canyon to The Aviator, she's always a professional. I even enjoyed her in Van Helsing, as silly and groan-worthy as that film might be, because there's no denying fun to be had watching Kate Beckinsale, rocking the tightest lycra pants in history, swashbuckling her way through hordes of monsters with steely determination and a sly wink at all the silliness.

That's a common theme with Beckinsale the Action Star: watching her kick ass is one of modern cinema's great pleasures. Sure, it's as cliched and fanboy-ish as tropes get, watching a beautiful woman jumping and shooting and punching her way through an endless parade of bad guys (see: Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow in several Marvel movies, Atomic Blonde, and countless other films in recent years), but there's something inspiring about it for anyone, no matter their gender or sexual preferences—especially when Kate Beckinsale is the one kicking ass. For my money, and especially as Selene in the Underworld films, she can pull off badassery as well as anyone.

She's also quick-witted and capable of sly humor; just watch her interviews. She's sharp. This is why I'm still waiting for her to play Barbarella in the inevitable reboot/remake/sequel/whatever. I think it's perfect casting, and like Jane Fonda in the 1968 cult classic, she'd bring her own brand of breathless beauty and light-hearted charm to the part. She has the looks, she can play off the absurdity of space opera, and she would look mighty comfortable holding a laser blaster. Hollywood, I know you've stopped taking my calls, but please hear me out on this one: Beckinsale was born to play an intergalactic space goddess like Barbarella.

I might be the only person on the Beckinsale-for-Barbarella bandwagon, but a guy can dream. Especially when that dream stars Kate Beckinsale.

Kate Beckinsale turns 46 this week, and shows no signs of losing her coolness. Just check out her Instagram for proof. Happy birthday to my favorite Death Dealer. For a taste of how intelligent and thoughtful Beckinsale can be in interviews, here's one from a couple years ago, conducted by my friend Juan Fernandez-Paris, on the occasion of the release of Underworld: Blood Wars. I am not jealous of Juan at all. Nope. Not even a little.

Okay, so I'm a lot jealous.

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